With the economy the way it is, I'm going to have to initiate word rationing. In the following column, instead of tackling one whole subject with some measure of continuity, I will instead provide only short postings of numerous items. You know, like combining a bunch of little errands in one trip instead of taking the Land Destroyer out each time. So you'll be lucky if you get full senten "... whoops, exceeded the limit there. That'll cost you in content down the road. But times are tough. We have to cut back where we "... whoops.

  • Doggone it, I haven't received my economic stimulus rebate check yet, so my personal economy remains unstimulated. My friend got her check in the mail last week. Then the next day, she received the letter telling her she would get the rebate. Close enough for government work, eh? That letter is, of course, the one the IRS sent to all eligible rebate recipients in America at a cost of $41.8 million, what with printing and postage and somebody driving to the mailbox and all. Probably in a Land Destroyer. Made of SOLID GOLD!

  • Of course, if my rebate comes — oh no, I said if! I meant when it comes. Uh-oh. I'm doomed. One little slip like that will cause the Great Pumpkin to pass you by. I mean, the Great Postal Deliverer. Oh Great Postal Deliverer, where are you?

  • Speaking of which, when my rebate comes, I will be giving some of it right back to the government. I
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    have to buy stamps. I actually like buying stamps. Maybe I'll get Frank Sinatra ones this time. Or Marvel Comics, as long as it has Iron Man. The reptile-and-amphibian series was my favorite. It gave me great pleasure to affix a poisonous snake on my credit card payment. Ssssss!

  • With everything else so expensive these days, stamps costing 42 cents as of last week don't bother me. You get a lot for that — a letter delivered across the country, often the next day, despite sleet or snow or attack Chihuahuas. And two rings from the postman.

    It'll cost you a lot more than 42 cents to drive it there yourself. And really, what can you get for 42 cents? That's not even half a Kit Kat bar in my office vending machine. It's maybe 1/10 of a gallon of gas. It might get you an organic olive at Chez Panisse, though you might have to share.

  • According to the United States Postal Service's Web site's Office of Strategic Planning page, I learned about all sorts of fancy-schmancy technical devices used for the mind-boggling process of processing the mail. There are things like Hampers! And Tubs! Oh, and Processing and Distribution Centers, Dual Pass Rough Cull Systems, Advanced Facer-Canceler Systems and Multiline Optical Character Readers.

    One device has a "neural net processor" that is said to be "highly effective" at correctly reading "almost all addresses." But if your handwriting is abominable, as is mine, then your letters and packages will be "separated for human intervention."

    Wow. Actual humans. Intervening!

    And if all that fails, your mail might end up on the annual Postal Service Unclaimed Parcel Auction, now done on eBay. I'm gonna have to try one of those. I love mystery packages. It's like Christmas!

  • It's a good thing, for the post office anyway, that the penny hasn't been eliminated. Yet. Apparently, Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson thinks the cent's day is spent.

    Tell that to the Moores, who own the Penny Bar in McKittrick, population 160, off Highway 33, somewhere near a tumbleweed farm between Buttonwillow and Taft. Mike and Annie Moore literally have about a million pennies — calculated at 304 per square foot — glued to every wall, floor, ceiling and pool table. (It took Mike six years to glue them all on.) They considered retiring and tried to sell the place last year, putting it up for $899,999.98. Pennies included. No takers. Not even Mr. Paulson.

    If nothing else, word is that the U.S. Mint might use cheaper metal to make pennies. The Mint makes — not breath mints, sadly — but up to 8 billion shiny new pennies each year. Officials say altering metal in pennies and nickels could save taxpayers $100 million. That's the equivalent of more that two tax rebate information letters!

    Whoops, reached word count limit. Must go now. See you next "...

    Reach Angela Hill at ahill@bayareanewsgroup.com.